so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
