please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
