I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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