I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
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I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
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YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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