I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
