You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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