I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
