party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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