Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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