the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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