It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
