I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
