Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
