she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
