we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
