Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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