My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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