I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
