I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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