I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
