Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
