1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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