so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
