On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
