Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
