she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
