Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
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Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
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So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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