They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
a search helicopter?!
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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