I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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