mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
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I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
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Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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