i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
