We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
