I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
