Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
