im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.