Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
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just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
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What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.