I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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