Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
