It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
