Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Houston, we have a blender
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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