I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
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Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
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He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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