this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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