Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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