Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
