Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
