god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
