I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
