She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
