I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
