smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
