Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
