My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Randomize
