The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
