It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Randomize
