Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
