I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
