Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
