I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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