Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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